How To Get Over Your Fear Of A Breakup And Actually Enjoy The Relationship
"FOBU" is a thing: the fear of breaking up.
It works in two ways. Either you love someone so much you're terrified they'll walk out on you at any second, which ironically can contribute to them leaving you. Or, you don't feel the love anymore, but you're too scared to actually leave them and be alone.
Either way, it's no good.
To Get Over It, You Need To Figure Out Why You're Afraid
"FOBU" is a behavioral pattern that anyone of any age is vulnerable to. You're not alone. It drives our connections and can often sabotage our relationships.
Being attracted to someone triggers this fear because it makes you vulnerable to them.
Reason 1: Fear Of Abdonment
At its root, it's a fear of abandonment. It's a pattern of your own making that makes you feel stuck behind a wall. So you react in two ways. Either you get caught up in patterns of constant re-abandonment (abandoholism) or you avoid relationships altogether to avoid the pain (abandophobism).
Reason 2: Fear Of Starting Over
It's easy to grow comfortable with someone and to forget what life was even like before meeting them. However, you did survive without them at some point, so if it comes down to it, with a little adapting you'll be able to do it again.
Reason 3: Low Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence can keep people in unhealthy relationships cycles. Some psychologists even say that people who are unaware of their advantages are subconsciously ready to be treated badly.
You're badass, and if you bring confidence in your relationship, you'll also bring security.
Not Every Interaction Is A Risk They Changed Their Mind
Sometimes, this fear can be so overwhelming that every time you see a text or call from your partner, you get a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach. So then you get in your head and are afraid of saying the wrong things and have them change their mind about you at any second.
You can rewire your brain to get excited instead of anxious every time you hear from them.
Your Age Doesn't Matter
Would you rather stay in a miserable relationship just 'cause you're almost 40 and you're afraid you won't find anybody else? Breakups mean clean slates and fresh starts. It doesn't matter how old you are.
Get the idea that you'll be behind or it'll be too late for you to find someone else out of your head.
Find Your Financial Independence
The more of yourself and of your independence you keep in a relationship, the less you have to lose and work out if the worst you fear does happen. Things like staying financially independent will keep you feeling secure and independent.
Live In The Present, Moment By Moment
You don't need to have your whole future figured out. The more you try to, the more you'll get caught up in the unknown and miss all of the present moments that you could've focused on enjoying instead.
The More You Fear It, The More Likely It Is To Happen
A study at the Vita-Salute San Raffaele University in Italy found that "perceived risk" can greatly influence the outcome of a romantic relationship. So fearing that a relationship can fail can lead to less commitment and then to actual breakups.
Just Because Your Ex Is Happy With Someone Else Now, Doesn't Mean The Same Will Happen Again
Don't waste time on Facebook stalking your ex and his new girlfriend and their seemingly happy little lives. You'll find yourself comparing yourself to them and putting yourself down.
Instead, remember that you have just the same chance of being happy, and there will be someone who will love to make you happy too.
Playing Out Worst-Case Scenarios Is Basically Self-Destruction
If you've experienced FOBU, you've likely played out the end of your relationship in your mind countless times, from what you would say to what you would do next, and the million possible reasons that caused it.
Try daydreaming instead of spiraling like that. Play out what perfect dates you'd like to go on and how happy they would make you feel.
Just Because You Like Them Now, It Doesn't Mean You Can Never Like Anyone Else
FOBU can lead you to truly believe that you won't find anyone else if you are forced to start dating again. Yet, there are plenty of fish in the sea. And just like you've moved on before, you can move again. Once you accept that this is a risk and make peace with it, you won't fear it anymore.
Yes, Maybe One Day You'll Stop Loving Them, And That's Okay
Isn't it funny that just as much as we fear someone leaving us, we also fear maybe not wanting them anymore, ourselves? Some relationships are meant to teach lessons to prepare you for better ones.
And Maybe One Day They'll Stop Loving You, And That's Okay Too
Every end is just a new beginning. If someone stops loving you, it is no reflection of you. Take it as a sign of hope that there is something even better out there for you. Isn't it better to know than to settle?
There's No Way To Know If They're The One Without Trying
You can't just not date anyone at all to avoid the risk of a breakup, and you can't be with someone waiting for the moment it ends the whole time, either. So what's left in between? Just giving it your best shot.
That way, even if it ends, you have no regrets and you can say you tried your best.
If You Trust Your Partner, Then Cheating Shouldn't Be A Worry
A common reason for fearing breakups is the loss of control. You're afraid of what your partner might do because you can't control them, like cheating. The key here is to trust them. Trust doesn't need to be given, it can be earned. As long as you're open to building it.
Remember That It's Only Up To You, Not Your Partner, To Let Go Of Your Fears
It's no one else's responsibility but yours to make you feel secure. If you're constantly looking for reassurance from your partner, you are giving your power away.
It's okay to need validation every once in a while, but trying to manipulate your partner into doing things to make you feel more secure will put a lot of pressure on them and strain the relationship.
Take Your Time With The Process
This means not having unrealistic expectations of your partner and not wanting too much too soon. Make sure that you find a balance so you don't overreact and over-need.
Otherwise, you will feel worse about yourself, and your partner might follow suit.
Accept Your Fear As Part Of Being Human
Don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes, you really can't find the off button to push on your fears. What's important is to stay accountable and to keep trying.
Love yourself unconditionally, and know you are not "weak" for it and that it will pass.
Most Importantly, Don't Panic If The Fear Keeps On Coming Back
The key is to rely on yourself and accept yourself. This won't be a perfect process, and it doesn't mean it'll get rid of your fears forever. Once you redirect your reliance on someone else, you transform the fear from being insecure to being empowered!
Only you can make you happy!